On a cycle ride across England recently Harry Mottram made some observations on cycle paths and road users that make the life of an ordinary cyclist more difficult.
Angry revvers: held up by a cyclist for a few seconds the motorist manically revs their engine crashing gears leaving a cloud of exhaust fumes as they pass while giving the cyclist a dark look. Action: compulsory anger management course, plus their car is siezed and replaced with a skateboard.
Park and don’t ride: cycling along a cycle lane only to find it blocked by parked cars forcing the cyclist into the middle of the road. Action: the car is crushed and melted down to make bicycle secure points outside supermarkets as there are never enough.
Disappearing cycle lanes: when you are driving along a main road you don’t expect it be so overgrown you have to stop and drive on the cycle lane. So why the other way round? Highways divisions of local councils or Highways England appear to have mislaid their hedge trimmers. Action: the highly overpaid CEOs of county and regional councils to don hi-vis and pick up a pair of secateurs and set to work snipping until all cycle lanes are no longer roadside copses.
Cowardly dogs in cars: you are cycling along minding your own business when a car passes you slowly with its passenger window open. A cowardly dog sitting in the front seat barks so loudly at you that for a moment you have a wobble. It continues to bark and bare its teeth at you as it moves ahead – comforted by the fact you can’t answer back. Action: said dogs to be placed in the lions’ enclosure in Longleat to test their bravery.
Chelsea Tractors: cars are have grown in size to the point that some 4x4s are the size of small lorries. These Chelsea Tractors are driven by people who suffer from a lack of spacial awareness and appear to only drive in the middle of the road or within one inch of cyclists and pedestrians. Action: these vehicles to be seized and crushed and the owners to be given a pair of walking boots.
Tooting twits: cyclists have to put up with a lot from motorists but one of the most irritating habits of some drivers is to sound their car horn – after they have passed. The driver usually turns and mouths an insult implying ‘how dare you cycle on my road’. Action: entitled motorists to be shipped off to Lundy Island where there are no roads.
Bikes on the back: motorists and camper van drivers with bicycles on the back of their vehicles are amongst some of the worst people on the road. Weekend cyclists – or people who drive around with bikes on racks and may never ride them are always in a hurry and seem oblivious to road users who actually ride their bicycles. Action: remove the engines from their vehicles and see how fast they go then.
Pavement parkers: side walks as the Americans call pavements are for pedestrians. So why park a car, a lorry or a van on them forcing pedestrians into the road? Action: push the offending vehicle onto the road and pour liquid sewage into the open window of their vehicle with them in it.
Rapscallion Magazine is an online publication edited by Harry Mottram
Harry is a freelance journalist. Follow him on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube etc
Email:harryfmottram@gmail.com
Website:www.harrymottram.co.uk
Mobile: 07789 864769
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